Growing up witnessing narcissistic abuse

During my childhood I learnt an awful lot about the psychology behind narcissistic abuse. From the age of 8 years old I witnessed first hand every possible tactic, applied to perform gaslighting in a terrifying manipulative hurtful way. This was directed towards the women in our family, indirectly effecting us children. Experiences of that kind propel children from one moment to another into adulthood. In a desperate attempt to deal with this situation as best as possible, I thoroughly began looking into the psychology of such manipulative mind sets. Why and how could anybody inflict such pain? The daily excessive stress we found ourselves exposed to needed to be addressed; time to get real with what was playing out right in front of us. This could only be done by honest observation and mind exploration. Looking back I remember how desperate I was to protect those I loved so much Luckily I did! There was this inner voice telling me NOT to remain oblivious to the reality of what was going on. It was unnatural for me to hide away and ‘just let them get on with it’, which can be a natural thing for a child to do. Had I dismissed that inner voice to protect, the physical abuse would have ended up tragically. My way of showing solidarity and love was to act and protect. For of all the obvious reasons why I stood in between the victimiser and the victim, one of them was the knowing that one of the ladies in particular was here to teach me unconditional love. In my heart I knew that this would be a very important lesson in my life and that one day this experience had to be transformed in teaching others.

My childish beliefs at the time were simple; live in harmony, togetherness, protect one another, have fun, try to come to some agreement, love. Most children think that way but this can change over the years through a string of life’s conditioning, fueled by society’s implanted belief systems of nonacceptance, of not being good enough. This takes us away from unity into unhealthy competitive thinking patterns; success is measured by the amount of money or titles we possess. False religious belief systems have confused the essence of our true spirit, i.e. preaching of a loving but yet resentful God, one that will come crashing down on us shameful sinners if we dare open up to boundless joy or consider the joy of love making anything other than an act of impurity, solely designed for child production. Built in false belief systems around God have lead to conflict, to many religious wars. Power driven politicians have used this as a perfect excuse to play with human life. Their argument towards the people of their country is always the same; in order to have peace, we must fight wars, lets start yet another war in God’s name.

Could all of this be part of the underlying issues of the anti-humanitarian approach I was observing around me?

No matter how I tried to justify any adult ego actions, none of this conditioning made any sense to me, the catholic teachings convinced me even less. Why would an unconditionally loving God condition us at all cost and only love us under certain conditions and on top of that wants us to suffer and fight? Aren’t these the actual sins? Why are we forced to confess, regardless whether we had actually ‘sinned’? How often was I forced to confess and couldn’t think of anything horrible I had done, other than being bullied myself. Still, I was forced to confess and actually had to make up a lie just to come up with anything. ‘Surely, this can’t be right either’ I remember thinking! ‘being forced to lie to then show false remorse ….what kind of God would come up with such hypocrisy!?’ What about the belief that a confession can simply wash away our deeds in case we did actually cause harm. Why is it ok for an ego driven personality to continue just in the same way as before confession to then think its all gone? How can 100 Ave Maria prayers wipe away our human sins, without further investigation behind the reason for unjust actions? How about some true self reflection and forgiveness, followed by self improvement? Why would God punish us for things that come naturally to us? Is he not the creator of diversity and individuality after all? Why are the very people who go to church every Sunday so full of contradiction and believe they can get away causing harm to others? Do they really believe that doing lip service to GOD is sufficient to be considered a ‘good caring’ person? I remember at the time observing church goers, trying to figure out how they could sit there, all eyes on a crucified Jesus, whilst holding their hands in prayer but actually not acting or living a life according to his teachings!

Surely something deeper and profound had to be found and done to come to peace and in alignment with a loving force.

Just to eliminate any misunderstandings; there are plenty of religious people who do an awful lot of good from the truthful core of their hearts, guided by the original teachings of their religion, based in love!

The aforementioned description counts for everything in life. Do we live our truth or a lie? Spirituality has replaced many of the religions, which doesn’t mean that the same contradictions aren’t applied in the same manner, only dressed up as ‘spirituality’.

My childhood beliefs never changed but instead have become a certainty. Many times people tried to convince me otherwise; its normal to send men to war as cannon fodder, there will never be peace, its accepted to mistreat women by controlling them into obedience, its pointless to follow one’s purpose … Why would I choose to believe something that truly makes no sense at all? How different our world would be if all we did was become love again?! Whats wrong with that and why have we become so used to constantly act against our natural selves? We could lead such beautiful lives, just like it was intended to be. We are made from love, everything on this planet is. God is not an angry old man sitting on a cloud, pointing his finger at us losers, denying us all the happiness he has originally filled us with.

He is the highest vibration energy frequency there is. Every molecule and atom, every cell on this planet is flooded with his consciousness.

Yet, if we were made to believe that we are separate from God because we are sinners or were given false images of him projected onto us, then we become divided within us. Rather than uniting us in harmony, separation from his divine consciousness takes place. Man made replacements of illusionary belief systems, expressing itself as the ego-self, will always fail to compensate for our loss in faith and trust. How we begin to see the world, how we behave, how we treat each other, how we look up to deranged leaders depends on our perception. Lies, violence and betrayal can never be the norm. Altered images will lead to a life half lived. Yes, we can’t always agree and many times we get hurt. We can choose to break away from old conditioning to reconnect with unconditional love, instead of using mountains of suppressed pain to control that which can never be controlled; our true loving selves and each other. Rejecting the best parts of us because of some deeply rooted convictions of unworthiness and nonacceptance creates frustration, leading to anger, insecurity turning into fear. A healthy attitude towards life and our fellow human beings will therefore be harder to achieve. Living in harmony with our soul/spirit and bodies makes life effortless.

Continuing to see our creator as an energy of a loving but yet raging presence, is what will make us follow and belief in false prophets. Acceptance of a twisted God draws us to opt for twisted ‘leaders’. We have forgotten what real powerful love feels like.

What we do to another, we do to ourselves. Love is not violent but gentle and yet powerful beyond our wildest dreams, it brings people together instead of dividing them, it harnesses and values life, rather than recklessly abuse it. Pure love does not demand but suggests, guides and supports rather than force and suppress the very best of us.

During these challenging childhood years all I knew is that somehow a solution had to be found to stop this violent and mentally destructive pointlessness. So I did what I could; I comforted, consulted, mediated, interfered during physical abuse to stop it and – to my surprise – I prayed and prayed. If there was a Higher Force, it could only be pure goodness. Its not ‘holy’ to cause such harm to anybody, not to speak of a loved one. Where does the arrogance come from to believe that it is fine to use love as a weapon? Life is precious, all of life is.

One thing I was unable to do because it never was and to this day is rarely taught to us, was to learn how to heal painful scars from trauma and how to thoroughly release negative emotions. The only way how to deal with intense challenging situations was to suppress stressful emotions, one because it was a matter of survival and two because there was no alternative method. Buried negativity is not a sign of strength but will in fact lead to oppression and, in a worst case scenario, make us belief this is normal to the point where we follow and fall for the same old energy life patterns. Physical and emotional issues are the results of that. Do we always have to wait for a wake up call in order to change towards a healthier direction?

It is not easy to admit that somebody we thought we could trust at any point in our lives, turns out to have very disturbing damaging trades, especially if it severely effects other’s quality of life. Turning a blind eye is definitely not the way forward, one has to see reality for what it is. We can not transform a no-way out situation into a positive outcome, if we ourselves are allowing to be swept into a turmoil of highly destructive behaviour of any form, born from an ego mind controller. When we look at the exact status quo of what is going on and address that with pure intent, then a whole new world of hidden truths are revealed to the self. This is the moment where we can take action.

Uncovering lies, looking behind manipulative ego games, connecting the dots of a conditioned mind set from unhealthy inherited belief systems, based on trauma, disappointments, harsh upbringings and how that plays itself out with different people involved, is an introduction into a world of the psychology of a false identity. At the same time it gives us windows of opportunities to find creative holistic solutions with long lasting effects to bring our fair share of the good we can do. ‘Why create more hardship rather than trying to solve present challenges to improve life? This cannot be our life’s purpose’, were my predominant thoughts as a child. Physical/emotional abuse and betrayal are not our original human trade marks. Love must be the answer to many questions. Seeing clearly the difference between loving and non-loving actions through behavioural patterns, be it in our private lives, our work environment or political leadership, gives us the strength to jointly maneuver ourselves out of highly destructive conflicts.

Somebody in power who agrees to something that pleases us individually, but still causes plenty of damage effecting others, is still destructive. Distorted belief systems of all sorts, including that of a two faced God, need to be transformed into visions born from love.

My attempts to turn an extreme case of narcissistic abuse around lasted for 5 years, after which I found myself counselling my school friends. I didn’t even know I was doing it and it wasn’t a way to distract from myself. It was a natural development. One big lesson I took away from the experience was to never allow anybody to use and abuse me and in case it did happen, to find a way out of it. There was also an inner desire to come out of any suppression, if that was to happen.

Although I saw some terrible things, interestingly I also saw the real self of a person and the good it could do if living in the prison of a false identity was not an option anymore. What is it we don’t wish anymore and how can this be transformed. The history of the human race can only be stopped from repeating itself when we start to see clearly, starting with ourselves. Breaking out of old comfort zone conditioning can be so difficult, yet remaining in it will never set us free.

My aunt died as a result of being married to a bully narcissist who was using verbal abuse as a way to control and dominate her and by doing so oppressing her femininity to the point where her body was so intoxicated from inner disharmony that it became cancerous.

During her life she was constantly humiliated and ridiculed by her husband. He did whatever he wanted, causing her much pain. It made her nervous, restless, giving her a feeling of incompleteness and unworthiness. Her way to balance and outweigh such undeserved disrespect was by compensating in material replacements. When she passed over, her husband broke down in terrible guilt and despair. To this day he is full of regrets, from knowing that he could and should have treated his wife with recognition and love.

Maybe because of witnessing destructive behaviour as well as observing resilience on those who were hurt the most, I somehow managed to make the most of my life. These times remain unforgettable and precious, something I wouldn’t want to miss. What a gift to meet a variety of a colourful mix of outstanding people, teaching me so much.

What I didn’t know was that – despite my determination and strength, my inner appreciation of life, lots of fun loving moments – the pain and residues of the trauma were still stored inside the cells of my body. Because of the belief that ‘pushing down’ sadness and powerlessness of unpleasant past times was the best coping mechanism, I would not allow myself to see a connection between childhood experiences and a prolapsed disc later on in life, followed by severe panic attacks. The trigger for this sudden collapse of my physical system, leading to a destabilization of my emotional state was during a time were there was little support, emphasized by huge burdens of financial stress; a situation which was totally avoidable, carried out behind my back against my intuition (hence the prolapsed disc).

Determined to become my independent self again and guided by my own promise I had made as a child, to not allow anything or anybody to keep me suppressed for life, I found one of the most powerful cellular healing techniques available; the Journey work. Here I was, fascinated by the ability to explore my own mind and its connections to the past as well as dive even deeper into the human psychology and follow that all the way back to previous lifetimes. It was not easy at first to re-train my mind to allow my soul to explore and connect with stored cell memories of unfinished business; from being an expert of storing away negative feelings into the depth of my being, I was now challenging myself in becoming a master of surrender into old painful emotions and by doing so thoroughly releasing it through every cell of my body.

My childhood dream and desire was always to assist people in their transformation and show them their best part to come out of destructive ego patters. How amazing would it be if I could help other people feel whole again. …?

Fired up by the endless healing possibilities Journey work was offering, I suddenly found myself standing right in the center of my heartfelt purpose. It had been a long winding road to finally find myself absorbed with my passion and professionally working from it. Who would have thought that the experiences from hardship coupled with some promises I made to myself, would eventually lead me to do the very work I love doing so much; supporting people in opening up to the power of unconditional love by reconnecting them with the true essence of their beautiful spirit.

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